i had some close comradeships collapse recently because i poured too much emotional energy into developing the relationships when i really should not have.

i need to be on the lookout to protect myself against unstable and combative people who just want to use me because i am very patient and like to validate people whenever i can.

it affected me deeply: i felt very guilty for the failure of the relationships, and blamed myself because, really, i was being gaslit.

i am feeling a lot better today, though. half the trouble is waiting out the excruciating anxiety and depression, and waiting for my meds to help correct my brain chemistry. sometimes there is literally nothing i can do to stop the intrusive self-destructive thoughts and paranoia, and i just sleep, and sleep…

but, like i said, i’m doing a lot better, and i really want to be a good person (: