Well, I’m spinning out a bit after my psychiatrist session. Their judgement is that I need to work on letting myself express and experience anger. A big reason, it seems to them, and I agree, is that I feel guilty and blame myself for a lot of things that aren’t my fault.
I think I might be trying to hard to avoid conflict. I’m also blurring the distinction between being angry, and what I said was “the ugly things that result from anger”.
I have tried so hard my whole life to correct what I saw as anti-social or non-calm emotions. Sometimes it even gets to the point of suppressing negative emotions to the point I make myself mentally ill.
The result is that I have become a very passivist and submissive person. I have issues with communicating my needs and what I want because I am too busy sacrificing myself for what I see is the good of others. I think it seems I have taken the concept of ‘agape’, self-sacrificial love, far too far.
My psychiatrist was a little disbelieving when I said I would physically defend myself if I was attacked: I think it has gotten to that point as well. For me, it’s not fight or flight, it seems I frequently choose: give up and die, which is pretty troubling.
Thanks for listening.