BOOTLICKER

How I've Been Doing Lately

2018-07-25

Hello everyone!

A few people sent me emails after I left my email address on a post. It seems people actually do read and access my blog! This is very strange for me, because for the longest time I have been very ignored on the internet.

I have been doing mostly very well in terms of my mental health lately, and it probably showed in the lack of blog updates I made for maybe a week or two – I suppose the more depressed or anxious I am, the more likely I am to actually post on my blog. That’s probably why I’m posting now. Maybe it’s not entirely true. I have been spending a lot of time on the Fediverse lately, using the ActivityPub implementation Twitter clone ‘Mastodon’.

The people on the Fediverse are very, very supportive and empathetic. When I go to post about my problems on that part of the internet, people are always coming up with suggestions and potential solutions to my problems. I feel like I have made some great friends on Mastodon, and I really enjoy using it.

I have been applying for a lot of Apprenticeships in cabinetmaking and automotive mechanical servicing and repairs. I have had 5 interviews over the last week. The first round of interviews that I had for the big auto dealership Trevitt was very exciting, and I thought it was very successful. I was invited to have a second interview at their Land Rover and Jaguar workshop this Tuesday just past, but it didn’t go so well. I don’t think I did very well, and I don’t think the people who interviewed me were very impressed. This made me feel quite deflated, but I had to push on and have a Branch Committee Meeting of my party that evening, so I went ahead and didn’t really think about how I was disappointed until right now, when I should be sleeping.

My sleeping has been mostly terrible. I have incredibly bad insomnia at night, probably caused by the fact that I use my laptop in bed. I sleep during the day, mostly. I am my most active and productive between the hours 10pm and 4am. I have usually been getting to bed at 3.30am most regularly. I feel very excited at night, and it feels like I can work on whatever I want to without being distracted. I wish I could sleep according to a more normal schedule, but no matter how much I try and lay in my bed with no electronics, I simply cannot sleep and I feel so incredibly restless and bored, so I start using my computer and surfing the internet for interesting stories and research.

My PhD thesis feels like a terrible burden right now, and I really feel like the project has been ruined for me, now that I have to do another semester with no scholarship. I suppose it really is my fault for not being finished on time, but I wish my supervisor had communicated more with me. I really do feel terrible about the whole thing, and I honestly feel pathetic, useless, and a morally corrupt person whenever I think about my PhD.

My Dad remarked that it seemed like I didn’t have much passion for the project anymore, but that’s not really true. I feel like someone is standing over me now and is dictating to me what the content of the thesis has to be in order for it to be good. It feels like it doesn’t really belong to me anymore, even though it is solely I who must do the work. I want to explore and say things that are important to me, and I foolishly thought that university was the place that I could do that. It honestly isn’t true. University is a terrible place where you have to say things that the ruling class would find acceptable.

I suppose what I really want to be is a programmer, but I cannot be that straightaway. I need to finish my PhD first, and then go and do another three or four years at university. This is a list of things I would really like to do with my life / have a career in:

My mood has been much worse after feeling deflated by that not-so-great interview. I need to find a job doing something. I think I will spend some time applying for some jobs I could take up a little more immediately tomorrow. You never know though, I could have a phone call soon, and I could have a job.

I can’t seem to do what I really want anymore. People are always standing in the way telling me what to do, and how to do things. I want to be creative and develop myself. I don’t know how to do that. It was suggested to me on Mastodon that I should make connections with people and find like-minded people who share my passions. I suppose I should do that. I have been working on so many things on my own for so long and have not really been getting anywhere. I wish I was more successful. I really feel like a bit of a loser and a no-hoper when things don’t go well for me straightaway.

Anyway, as always, my email is vidak@riseup.net. Feel free to email me about anything.